At some point during the call, they asked for students to record their insights and experiences, and it occurred to me that I have my own platform to be able to do that. This blog has seen my journey through residency training, learning to be a skilled knitter, and now, COVID19.
So, for my own edification and perhaps others, I will return to blogging my experiences again. (I had stopped due to boy drama and just the hectic nature of training.) It does feel good to record my experiences again, and be able to share my personal experience with others. (I suppose this is where legally I state that my experiences and opinions are my own and not reflective of my employers/overlords.)
Yesterday was the first day that I had an actual full schedule of patients. It was a bit hectic, but mostly soul-nourishing to be able to connect with my patients and help them. I still felt a bit limited, since I longed to reach out and be able to actually touch my patients, do OMT to help their pain, and comfort them, but I knew that keeping them safe was the best option at this time.
It felt good to reconnect my identity as a physician and do actual good work. In the last couple of weeks, there were so many things cancelled (board exams, conferences, trips), that it was good finally to have a schedule again, if only for a day.
Later in the day, I had a patient come in (the "essential visits" includes a clause for severe symptoms, and the patient had severe pain). We were able to do an injection for his shoulder, and I was glad we were able to help him. But it certainly made me nervous and anxious that I had to clean myself obsessively afterwards so that I didn't bring anything back with me to my apartment building. After seeing this picture of myself, I put hand sanitizer all around my neck and upper chest before I left for the day. While I don't suspect him to have COVID19, it was still a way to help me feel less exposed and hopefully prevent me from bringing more germs home.
My bosses are asking me if I would be willing to sign up for screening COVID patients or working in the inpatient wards if they need more people. I said yes. I want to help. But I am also terrified. It has been over a year since I've worked the inpatient wards. I don't want to mess anything up. I'm grateful that I've been doing boards studying, which has been helping me to refresh my memory, but I am still mostly an outpatient provider. I don't know how much good I will do, but I am willing to try. This is the life that I signed up for, to make a difference, one patient at a time, using my skills and knowledge. I am scared to catch COVID19. I am scared that I will transmit the disease to my loved ones or those that I don't know. I am scared that I will not be able to take care of patients to the best of my ability, or be a liability to my team. But I know that I can continue. I will do better than the average person on the street. I have been trained, these last 4 years, to do good, to work in many different high stress environments. This is my final exam. This is our collective exam, our graduating class of 2020. We came in epically, a group of fresh, wide-eyed, bushy-tailed interns, ready to tackle the challenges of residency. We bonded over late nights, challenging patients, the pager that just.won't.stop.ringing, those 4AM calls about normal potassiums and sepsis alerts that were 6 hours old. We supported each other through patient deaths, injust blame, and our own personal lives: marriages, pregnancies, births, illnesses, family member illnesses and deaths, and so much more. We've learned and grown up together, and transitioned into confident physicians.
I don't know what the future will hold. I don't know what the next day, week, or month may hold. But I know that I am resilient, agile, and strong. That is how I was trained. We'll see what the days ahead shall bring.
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